Let me be like her; then I’ll know I’ve succeeded..

They told me to not focus on my weight so much. I still totally did, but you know what I really started to do? I started to type in “body dimensions of __________ celebrity” on google. I would go through multiple gossip websites to find out how big Jennifer Aniston’s boobs, waist, and hip measurements are. Then Natalie Portman. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lawrence. Carrie Fisher. Anyone I had seen as beautiful. Anyone I wish I could look like. If I had their body dimensions, I told myself, I would have full confidence. I worked and worked until I met their sizes and I DID gain the confidence. But not in myself. I was worried about losing what I had counted every piece of food and push-up to earn. But then I lost my period. It just nagged and nagged. Why was it gone? I’m perfect in every other way now. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. So where the hell was my period? I didn’t want to make changes. I had finally found the careful balancing act. And I was tired. I don’t need one more thing. But I did.